Merry Christmas

Well it's Christmas.

It's safe to say that Christmas break hasn't gone the way I expected it to. It has been filled with let downs, anger, tears, pain, and heartbreak. More than ever.

I've hurt someone so badly. Someone I never thought I would hurt. And that kills me. I've said things to him I never thought I could say to any person, yet alone someone I loved. I hate knowing that his pain is caused by me. It literally kills me inside.

Along with this situation, alot of other things seem to come on me all at once. People from my past. Stuff about school. Money. Myself.
I can't handle it.

But God has pulled me in this direction, telling me that it's what He wants of me. I did all this knowing the result would be for the better. For both of us. I find myself questioning it constantly. Questioning God and His reasons for making me do this. Crying out to Him asking Him why?? Why would He make me doing something that causes sooo much hurt.

I've gone back to the same addictions that I thought were far behind me. I've sunk deeper than I've ever been. I'm going to the docter tomorrow because I have a stomach ulcer from all the stress. I can't eat anymore. I have no idea how much weight I've dropped, but it's alot. I've hated God while at the same time...He's the only one who can give me enough comfort to be able to fall asleep at night.


All in all...Christmas has been nice. Only because I've been able to deal with all this away from school. It has forced to not to ignore all my problems, but to face them. I'm nowhere near being through this, but I know that I will get through. I'm in the bottom of the pit right now, just trying to find the strength to climb out. I know I will someday. I know Brandon will too. I pray for him constantly. Hoping and praying he will find peace.




I know God is in all this. Even though it's about as bad as it could get...i know that in every situation going on right now....He is in it all. And I need to trust Him. And I'm trying. I fail. Alot. But I just need to keep going...keep trusting.

I just pray that God will give me the strength to get through...