alone

God I’m crying out to You but it seems like my voice is drowned out by this chaos surrounding me.

I feel so alone and broken. I want to feel Your protective arms around me telling me everything is going to be okay.

I want peace in my heart. But I can’t have that because my heart is divided into a million pieces.

I’m torn and scattered. I think I know what you require of me and then my earthly desires turn things around in a matter of seconds.

I feel abandoned. Where are You in all this? Why can’t I feel Your hand guiding the way? Is it because of me? It has to be because I know You would never deprive me of the life I know you want for me. It has to be my foolish wants and desires that steal my eyes and heart away from You.

God please just show me. Give me strength to not only know what’s right, but to do what’s right. I can’t do this on my own. I need Your help, and I feel like You won’t give me help.

You say you will never leave me or forsake me…then why am I feeling so utterly hopeless? So helpless? I’m stuck in a world full of disappointments, and I know you’re waiting to fulfill my wants and desires if only they would be Yours. Change my heart God. The happiest place I could ever be is where You intend me to be. Bring me there, even if by force.

Calm my heart.

peter pan?

i believe.... in more than just peter pan.

.....i apologize if i have not made that clear with the way i live my life.

wind

tonight i felt the wind.
for the first time in a long time, i intimately felt the wind.
i was alone, but i wasn't.
Jesus was there.
there's something beautiful in every thought he gives me.

...i like thinking when i know he's there.

free

Will I ever not be torn?

Will these scars on my heart last forever? Are restoration and healing words that we throw around but never experience? I understand that death and pain can bring life and healing, but how much hurt has to come before I can feel enough to believe I am alive?

I want real to be more than a four letter word. I want to give myself away entirely so that I can finally be free from the chains I keep myself under. Life is a state of being, not a continuum of days passing nights. How many days will I live before I find the state of being? Will I ever arrive there? Will it arrive here? I want pure joy, free from the tinges of pain and moments of surprise tears. I want to run in the desert and sing for the mountains and know that you see all of it and are laughing with me. I want to hear you say, "Daughter, your faith has healed you." Do I not have this faith? Do I know that you and you alone bring everything I desire? I am only a little girl in a world filled with pretty things. I confess my forgetfulness and the distractions that so easily steal my eyes and sometimes my heart. Distract me; distract me with your beauty, your freedom, the blue skies that I pursued for so long. Fill me with your all consuming fire so that a cold flame will not ignite. Forgive my unspoken obsession with things I cannot see. Place your hand over my eyes and whisper in my ear of your love and your completion. I give you permission to take me over by force. I submit to your love. Protect me and strip the temptation from the beauty. Begin the evolution into the abundant life I have desired and sought for so long. Be my light during the nighttime and all that comes with it.