vulnerable

He defines me as beauty but my eyes still see disaster

I feel like I've gotten to the point where my scars still bleed and I see healing as merely numbness. I wonder if I really want to let go of this addiction or if I'm just fooling myself. Sometimes I just want to let go of my amazing God and grab ahold of some knife and run away from Him and I don't understand why.
I feel like the closer I get to feeling normal again, the quicker I turn around and feel like the Pharisees as whitewashed tombs in Matthew 23:27


I shouldn't doubt God as I do. He says that His words have supported those who stumbled; He have strengthened faltering. His love and protection should strengthen me, not make me want something else that I can see and feel, no matter how distructive it is. When will I learn to never falter in Christ's love He has given me?

"God cannot move on to the next work without your willingness to wipe out the remains of the last."

I don't remember who said that...but I think it's true. But I don't know how to wipe out the remains of everything. I feel bloodstained with no way to remove to traces of what I've done and gone through.


I have nothing left to do but pray.

YES!

My lover isn't leaving me! :)

Snow

This snow has got to go away.






I know how to stay warm though. :o)

Spring Cleaning

I miss being under a huge summer sky.

I love the refreshing feeling of sitting in a newly arranged, very clean room. It's so...freeing.

I think that's what I have been doing with my life the past couple weeks. I'm clearing my head of the past and starting new. Letting go of hurts and regrets and giving it all over to God to handle, turning struggles into memories to learn from.

I love new beginnings and firsts. The first class of a new semester. The first cautious honest words of someone new. The tell alls and trust of old friends, making the friendships feel new. The first day of feeling healthy after being sick. The first touch of the sunshine and breath of fresh air in the morning.

God has a way of making things new and clearing a slate. God takes my breath away. :)

“Well I just think that it all works out. And if it doesn’t, I am going to have to change my thinking...” - Cliff Spence.

The longest longing...

We are convinced that a rightly lived life must give us serenity, completion and fulfillment. Comfort means "right" and distress means "wrong". The influence of such convictions is stifling to the human spirit. Individually and collectively, we must somehow recover the truth. The truth is, we were never meant to be completely satisfied. --Gerald May

I'm finally starting to believe this truth...that I will always be longing. Because we are bound by our flesh and redeemed by the Lamb, pursuing comfort is nothing more than a chasing after the wind.But comfort, as my human nature defines it, is so enticing. Comfort as the defined by the Lord troubles me...you never what may come, be it seasons of loneliness, of persecution, of abundance, of sorrow or joy, comfort for the child of God is very different. It is volatile and fragile, unexpected and uncontollable.

Perhaps we shouldn't even use the word comfort.

Perhaps sovereign sufficiency is a better explanation of how we ought to live. That we live trusting and believing, clinging to the promise and knowledge that the Lord has mapped out our life, laid down his foundations for us to stand and live upon. And that as creator of our needs, he will provide for those exact needs, and sometimes we will be unhappy and engulfed in distress. At other times our joy and peace will be evident to all.

However, no matter where we feel we are, we must never forget he will never satisfy so much that we no longer hope for Glory. That deeply embedded distress within every soul...that is the longest longing from which there is no deliverance until Christ returns to bring us home.

you knew..

I was looking through postsecret.com today and this caught my eye.

Hmm

Well, now that I think about it...everything's gonna be just fine. :)

Dejected.

I am dejected.

And at a loss for what to even do anymore.

Dear 2007

Dear 2007,
You win.
--Trish

Dear 2008,
I'm gonna kick your ass.
--Trish

Two Words..

Two words were said about me this weekend, two words wich elicted two differnt responses but made for a disappointing weekend with God. "Tease" and "Loud". Neither mouths that uttered these words meant them hurtfully, its just how I responded to them, no anger here, just well, confusion and a sense of failure as a Christian woman.

"Tease." This one just shocked me. I have never even considered myself a tease because well, I figured in order for one to be a tease one must not be one the extreme side of niavete and denial when it comes to guys and relationships. So as this was brought to my attention I've tried to understand how little oblivious me could come accross as a tease and how, if I really am a tease, how do I work on not being so when I don't even know what it is I do that is "tease" worthy? (A sidenote, if any of you guys who read this have some things please tell me...this is the last thing I want to be!)


"Loud." I think this description of me will always be the baine of my exsistence. I hate hearing it in conjuction with who I am but I hear it all to often. There are so many nights where I beg God that when I wake up the next morning I will wake to find he's changed me to be the sterotypical Christian woman who is quiet, gentle, graceful and loving, kind, and so on. Not this loud, outgoing, outspoken, opinionated, strong willed brat who struggles with her tongue and is little Miss Independant. So to hear it said about me, knowing full well it was not meant to be a mean comment or anything like, it made me go back to God and almost cry. I feel like such an odd duck half the time and just wish I could be quieter and described differently...is that the first thing people notice; that I'm loud?


On a very cognitive note: Its intriguing to me how a word said by person A with an intended meaning (be it positive, negative or neutral) can be heard by person B with an unintended meaning (be it positive, negative or neutral). Us humans are quite odd...

To Write Love On Her Arms

www.twloha.com. Go there. Check it out. The story behind it is difficult to read but eye-opening for some perhaps.

I am so thankful for this new non-profit. One guy was confronted with the brokeness and pain of a hurting girl, a product of the fall, and instead of shrugging away in fear, disgust or ignorance he responded with love and is still responding with love. Not just for her but for so many others. Renee, the girl who inspired it, was a druggie and a cutter, and he and his friends reached out to her and are now reaching out to help others. I love this and I am so thankful for it. As one who has struggled with cutting I am overjoyed that someone is bringing out into the open and creating a place of help for those struggling, resources, and more than that a heart to love them. And to boot, the guy behind it isn't a cutter, he isn't depressed, he isn't sucidal, he's acting like Jesus, loving and doing something.

It seems all to often in secular and Christian circles cutting exsists, you know someone (whether you are aware or not) who is a cutter. Its common but silent. Its so hard to understand why someone would inflict such pain on themselves, sometimes I don't even understand it and I've been there and sometimes still have the impulse to go there again. There are psychological and physical reasons, personal stories of why and how but really the reason is spiritual. And so the best I can offer is that we see most clearly in this the great depravity of mankind. We see it in so many other arenas of life as well. And in all of these, it doesn't make sense. Our mind can't comphrend it. But our sinful nature lashes out regardless.


Please check out this new organization and do what you can to support it, check out the links, educate yourself. You never know when you will come accross someone who struggles in this area. And whatever you do, please don't recoil in disgust or confusion...love the person.

Breaking...

I don't think I can handle this anymore....

Blessed?

I was thinking.
I don't need to find my fulfillment in any guy.
My God loves me passionately. He loves me intensely. He thinks the world of me.

And you too.

God is so deeply in love with you and me. He wants to be with us every second and doesn't ever get annoyed with us. Wow.

Whether you're a boy or a girl...rest in God's approval of you.

-----------------------------------

So things are kinda extremely sucky right now.






I'm having such a hard time finding something to speak about on stage tomorrow at HisStories...

I know I'm blessed...I just don't feel it right now.