vulnerable

He defines me as beauty but my eyes still see disaster

I feel like I've gotten to the point where my scars still bleed and I see healing as merely numbness. I wonder if I really want to let go of this addiction or if I'm just fooling myself. Sometimes I just want to let go of my amazing God and grab ahold of some knife and run away from Him and I don't understand why.
I feel like the closer I get to feeling normal again, the quicker I turn around and feel like the Pharisees as whitewashed tombs in Matthew 23:27


I shouldn't doubt God as I do. He says that His words have supported those who stumbled; He have strengthened faltering. His love and protection should strengthen me, not make me want something else that I can see and feel, no matter how distructive it is. When will I learn to never falter in Christ's love He has given me?

"God cannot move on to the next work without your willingness to wipe out the remains of the last."

I don't remember who said that...but I think it's true. But I don't know how to wipe out the remains of everything. I feel bloodstained with no way to remove to traces of what I've done and gone through.


I have nothing left to do but pray.