Trish

vulnerable

2008-03-12T15:38:00.001-07:00

He defines me as beauty but my eyes still see disaster

2008-03-09T14:52:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've gotten to the point where my scars still bleed and I see healing as merely numbness. I wonder if I really want to let go of this addiction or if I'm just fooling myself. Sometimes I just want to let go of my amazing God and grab ahold of some knife and run away from Him and I don't understand why.
I feel like the closer I get to feeling normal again, the quicker I turn around and feel like the Pharisees as whitewashed tombs in Matthew 23:27

I shouldn't doubt God as I do. He says that His words have supported those who stumbled; He have strengthened faltering. His love and protection should strengthen me, not make me want something else that I can see and feel, no matter how distructive it is. When will I learn to never falter in Christ's love He has given me?

"God cannot move on to the next work without your willingness to wipe out the remains of the last."

I don't remember who said that...but I think it's true. But I don't know how to wipe out the remains of everything. I feel bloodstained with no way to remove to traces of what I've done and gone through.

I have nothing left to do but pray.

YES!

2008-02-13T20:25:00.001-08:00

My lover isn't leaving me! :)

Snow

2008-02-12T13:32:00.001-08:00

This snow has got to go away.

I know how to stay warm though. :o)

Spring Cleaning

2008-02-05T21:46:00.001-08:00

I miss being under a huge summer sky.

I love the refreshing feeling of sitting in a newly arranged, very clean room. It's so...freeing.

I think that's what I have been doing with my life the past couple weeks. I'm clearing my head of the past and starting new. Letting go of hurts and regrets and giving it all over to God to handle, turning struggles into memories to learn from.

I love new beginnings and firsts. The first class of a new semester. The first cautious honest words of someone new. The tell alls and trust of old friends, making the friendships feel new. The first day of feeling healthy after being sick. The first touch of the sunshine and breath of fresh air in the morning.

God has a way of making things new and clearing a slate. God takes my breath away. :)

“Well I just think that it all works out. And if it doesn’t, I am going to have to change my thinking...” - Cliff Spence.

The longest longing...

2008-01-29T09:02:00.000-08:00

We are convinced that a rightly lived life must give us serenity, completion and fulfillment. Comfort means "right" and distress means "wrong". The influence of such convictions is stifling to the human spirit. Individually and collectively, we must somehow recover the truth. The truth is, we were never meant to be completely satisfied. --Gerald May
I'm finally starting to believe this truth...that I will always be longing. Because we are bound by our flesh and redeemed by the Lamb, pursuing comfort is nothing more than a chasing after the wind.But comfort, as my human nature defines it, is so enticing. Comfort as the defined by the Lord troubles me...you never what may come, be it seasons of loneliness, of persecution, of abundance, of sorrow or joy, comfort for the child of God is very different. It is volatile and fragile, unexpected and uncontollable.

Perhaps we shouldn't even use the word comfort.
Perhaps sovereign sufficiency is a better explanation of how we ought to live. That we live trusting and believing, clinging to the promise and knowledge that the Lord has mapped out our life, laid down his foundations for us to stand and live upon. And that as creator of our needs, he will provide for those exact needs, and sometimes we will be unhappy and engulfed in distress. At other times our joy and peace will be evident to all.
However, no matter where we feel we are, we must never forget he will never satisfy so much that we no longer hope for Glory. That deeply embedded distress within every soul...that is the longest longing from which there is no deliverance until Christ returns to bring us home.

you knew..

2008-01-28T19:52:00.000-08:00

I was looking through postsecret.com today and this caught my eye.

Hmm

2008-01-25T05:10:00.001-08:00

Well, now that I think about it...everything's gonna be just fine. :)

Dejected.

2008-01-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

I am dejected.

And at a loss for what to even do anymore.

Dear 2007

2008-01-17T14:07:00.000-08:00

Dear 2007,
You win.
--Trish

Dear 2008,
I'm gonna kick your ass.
--Trish

Two Words..

2008-01-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

Two words were said about me this weekend, two words wich elicted two differnt responses but made for a disappointing weekend with God. "Tease" and "Loud". Neither mouths that uttered these words meant them hurtfully, its just how I responded to them, no anger here, just well, confusion and a sense of failure as a Christian woman.

"Tease." This one just shocked me. I have never even considered myself a tease because well, I figured in order for one to be a tease one must not be one the extreme side of niavete and denial when it comes to guys and relationships. So as this was brought to my attention I've tried to understand how little oblivious me could come accross as a tease and how, if I really am a tease, how do I work on not being so when I don't even know what it is I do that is "tease" worthy? (A sidenote, if any of you guys who read this have some things please tell me...this is the last thing I want to be!)

"Loud." I think this description of me will always be the baine of my exsistence. I hate hearing it in conjuction with who I am but I hear it all to often. There are so many nights where I beg God that when I wake up the next morning I will wake to find he's changed me to be the sterotypical Christian woman who is quiet, gentle, graceful and loving, kind, and so on. Not this loud, outgoing, outspoken, opinionated, strong willed brat who struggles with her tongue and is little Miss Independant. So to hear it said about me, knowing full well it was not meant to be a mean comment or anything like, it made me go back to God and almost cry. I feel like such an odd duck half the time and just wish I could be quieter and described differently...is that the first thing people notice; that I'm loud?

On a very cognitive note: Its intriguing to me how a word said by person A with an intended meaning (be it positive, negative or neutral) can be heard by person B with an unintended meaning (be it positive, negative or neutral). Us humans are quite odd...

To Write Love On Her Arms

2008-01-13T20:32:00.000-08:00

www.twloha.com. Go there. Check it out. The story behind it is difficult to read but eye-opening for some perhaps.

I am so thankful for this new non-profit. One guy was confronted with the brokeness and pain of a hurting girl, a product of the fall, and instead of shrugging away in fear, disgust or ignorance he responded with love and is still responding with love. Not just for her but for so many others. Renee, the girl who inspired it, was a druggie and a cutter, and he and his friends reached out to her and are now reaching out to help others. I love this and I am so thankful for it. As one who has struggled with cutting I am overjoyed that someone is bringing out into the open and creating a place of help for those struggling, resources, and more than that a heart to love them. And to boot, the guy behind it isn't a cutter, he isn't depressed, he isn't sucidal, he's acting like Jesus, loving and doing something.

It seems all to often in secular and Christian circles cutting exsists, you know someone (whether you are aware or not) who is a cutter. Its common but silent. Its so hard to understand why someone would inflict such pain on themselves, sometimes I don't even understand it and I've been there and sometimes still have the impulse to go there again. There are psychological and physical reasons, personal stories of why and how but really the reason is spiritual. And so the best I can offer is that we see most clearly in this the great depravity of mankind. We see it in so many other arenas of life as well. And in all of these, it doesn't make sense. Our mind can't comphrend it. But our sinful nature lashes out regardless.

Please check out this new organization and do what you can to support it, check out the links, educate yourself. You never know when you will come accross someone who struggles in this area. And whatever you do, please don't recoil in disgust or confusion...love the person.

Breaking...

2008-01-10T19:29:00.000-08:00

I don't think I can handle this anymore....

Blessed?

2008-01-08T18:36:00.001-08:00

I was thinking.
I don't need to find my fulfillment in any guy.
My God loves me passionately. He loves me intensely. He thinks the world of me.

And you too.

God is so deeply in love with you and me. He wants to be with us every second and doesn't ever get annoyed with us. Wow.

Whether you're a boy or a girl...rest in God's approval of you.

-----------------------------------

So things are kinda extremely sucky right now.

I'm having such a hard time finding something to speak about on stage tomorrow at HisStories...

I know I'm blessed...I just don't feel it right now.

Finally Happy

2007-12-31T09:35:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was amazing. The first really fun day I've had in awhile. First time I've been able to just forget everything and....be happy.

So early sunday morning, Lydia got to my house. We spend the morning laughing and having fun getting ready, with a house to ourselves.
Then, we finally got ahold of Chris (that being hard since he would not answer his phone and mine was dead *had been for 3 days*). He came to the house and we loaded everything into his car for the nice long drive ahead of us.

Packed up with phones (mine dead), laptops, tons of cd's, and lots of coffee and monsters, we hit the road!

The ride there was relaxing sometimes and crazy sometimes. Lydia and I decided we were lesbians for the day and had quite a bit of fun in the backseat, making Chris extremely uncomfortable. Haha.
We then remembered how easy it was to embarrass Chris and make him uncomfortable. So we did that for awhile, talking about awkward subjects and asking him taboo questions. :)

The final 2 hours seemed to drag on for 4. Becasue they did. Chris' GPS "Mandy" took us the looooooong way. That and Chris missed an important exit (because he was getting a shoulder massage) and added 40 minutes to the trip. The what should have been 6 hour drive took us about 9 hours.

But we finally got to Middletown, VA. And We got Bryce!! After about 100 big bear hugs, we went inside to pig on on the wonderful dinner that his mom made. After about an hour of eating, laughing, and catching up...we hit the road again. But this time, the group was finally back to normal. We got Bryce back!! None of us had seen him since June, so it was pretty amazing for us all to be together again.

The trip back was...hilarious, amazing, scary, fun, and very loud. After we got through the ice storm in West Virginia, things were pretty smooth again and we weren't sliding all over the highway anymore.

Lydia and I then decided we were gonna play "Sex". Or "Padiddle". Whatever you wanna call it. It's our groups game, but we had never really played until there was a winner. So we decided this time we would. I won. :) Barely. (literally.) Haha. Lets just say that Chris didn't play and the game made him super uncomfortable too. haha

When we had about 2 hours left, I decided to dig through Chris' CDs and listen to some old stuff that none of us had listened to since we were about 13. We rocked out to PlusONE (Chris and I know every word to every song!!), ZOEGirl, TFK, John Ruben (old CDs), MaryMary, TobyMAC (old CDs), and of course BSB and NSYNC. :)

The trip back was amazingly fun. I don't have enough time to type it all.

We got back to columbus and Bryce was finally back to his real home. We got my phone charger (yay!!), got 2 dozen donuts, and some fun drinks, and went to Lydias house and ate, hung out more, watched Mission Impossible, and crashed.

We decided we'd leave the night on the town for tonight instead.

Tonight who knows what we'll do, but I'm sure it'll be crazy and amazing.

I'm finally happy and able to actually forget about things and let myself have fun.

Bryce - My big brother and other half...is finally home. The group is back. :)

Just....done.

2007-12-26T19:14:00.000-08:00

So I'm done trying to care.

I'm at rock bottom. I don't think I can climb out anymore...

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T11:41:00.000-08:00

Well it's Christmas.

It's safe to say that Christmas break hasn't gone the way I expected it to. It has been filled with let downs, anger, tears, pain, and heartbreak. More than ever.

I've hurt someone so badly. Someone I never thought I would hurt. And that kills me. I've said things to him I never thought I could say to any person, yet alone someone I loved. I hate knowing that his pain is caused by me. It literally kills me inside.

Along with this situation, alot of other things seem to come on me all at once. People from my past. Stuff about school. Money. Myself.
I can't handle it.

But God has pulled me in this direction, telling me that it's what He wants of me. I did all this knowing the result would be for the better. For both of us. I find myself questioning it constantly. Questioning God and His reasons for making me do this. Crying out to Him asking Him why?? Why would He make me doing something that causes sooo much hurt.

I've gone back to the same addictions that I thought were far behind me. I've sunk deeper than I've ever been. I'm going to the docter tomorrow because I have a stomach ulcer from all the stress. I can't eat anymore. I have no idea how much weight I've dropped, but it's alot. I've hated God while at the same time...He's the only one who can give me enough comfort to be able to fall asleep at night.

All in all...Christmas has been nice. Only because I've been able to deal with all this away from school. It has forced to not to ignore all my problems, but to face them. I'm nowhere near being through this, but I know that I will get through. I'm in the bottom of the pit right now, just trying to find the strength to climb out. I know I will someday. I know Brandon will too. I pray for him constantly. Hoping and praying he will find peace.

I know God is in all this. Even though it's about as bad as it could get...i know that in every situation going on right now....He is in it all. And I need to trust Him. And I'm trying. I fail. Alot. But I just need to keep going...keep trusting.

I just pray that God will give me the strength to get through...

2007-12-13T16:40:00.001-08:00

Why is it that I manage to break everything I touch?

well;

2007-12-10T19:25:00.000-08:00

Well that light at the end of the tunnel...

it's gone.

great...

first finals ever in my life.
first college finals period.
sick and weird rash on my arms. most likely from stress.
back problems coming back again.
money.

...and other issues that i'm sure everyone knows about...getting even worse.

would someone be kind enough to shoot me?
thanks.

Light up ahead?

2007-12-09T21:18:00.000-08:00

“Well I just think that it all works out. And if it doesn’t, I am going to have to change my thinking...” - Cliff Spence

I always thought that when I finally would rely on God for everything...that things would be easier. But they feel so much harder right now. I know I'm doing what's best, but it hurts so much. I'm sticking to my decision, even though it causes me to second guess myself. I need Gods help more than ever right now. But I knew He's right here with me...

But really....I'm beginning to find a small twinge of happiness in all this. I don't think I've reached it yet, but I can see that small speck of light up ahead...I just pray I have to strength to reach it.

Honestly...God is flipping amazing. And I am flipping amazed.

amazed

2007-12-05T14:48:00.000-08:00

look at the nations and watch.

and be utterly amazed.

for i am going to do something in your daysthat you would not believe

e.v.e.n...i.f...y.o.u...w.e.r.e...t.o.l.d

----------------

-i don't mind changing my mind... {{ for i know the plans that i have for you, says the lord }}

-because i know he writes this story, not i...{{ for the lord forms the hearts of all men }}

-i'm alright with focusing on one thing alone even if it means not focusing on the others...{{ blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see god }}

-because my heart is His to own, and mine to protect...{{ above all else, guard your heart, for it is the well-spring of life }}

-and i know that i myself cannot be trusted...{{ the heart is deceived above everything }}

-so i will love Him only, and with that all i am...{{ and you shall love the lord your god with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind }}

-because i'm fine with joy coming later...{{ this is the lord, we have waited for him. let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation }}

-and i'm happy to laugh only for my father...{{ delight yourself in the lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart }}

-so i am content to take this slowly...{{ wait for the lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage. yes, wait for the lord! }}

-and all my time will be spent searching for Him...{{ and you will find your god, if you search after him with all your heart and soul }}

-because i trust he rewards patience...{{ the lord is good to those who wait for him }}

-and all i want is to be blinded by and held perfectly by His love...{{ so you, by the help of your god, return, hold fast to love and justice, and wait continually for his love }}

-i need not see to understand...{{ but if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience }}

maybe i'm bi-poler.

Gods Child

2007-12-05T08:55:00.000-08:00

"Lower your expectations of earth. This isn't heaven, so don't expect it to be."

Yesterday, when I was listening to God, I felt He was asking me to do things. Of course, my first reaction was fear (as it always is for all of us), so I asked God to give me willingness and whatnot...and then I prayed, "God, I am Your servant." And God said, "No, you are My child."
So many times as Christians we think we are supposed to be God's servants. We think we're supposed to just go and do what He tells us to because we're supposed to, because we are His slaves, because we have an obligation to Him because of all He's done for us. But this is such foolish thinking!

It says in the New Testament that a servant does not know his master's business. But we know our Master's business! We know His heart, we know His will, we know His plans. So certainly we are not--and are not supposed to be--His servants.

Instead, we are God's children. A child obeys his father because he knows that his father knows what is best. A child obeys his father because he knows his father will rescue him. That's exactly how we should be.

We need to start living as God's children rather than His slaves. We need to recognize that we have a place in our Father's mansion--and we even have our own! A servant does not have his own mansion. Instead, a servant lives off to the edge of the estate in the servants' quarters.
But if we are living in the servants' quarters, we are so out of place!! We are called to be God's children--God's children who receive a reward, who are given responsibilities, who trust that our Father's arm is not too short (as found in Isaiah).Please start living as God's child rather than His servant. Yes, we still must obey--but as children, not as slaves. We are most fulfilled when we live to our fullest--as God's holy, chosen, righteous children.

I need you right now. More than ever God...

Lord, may my life have nothing to do with me. Take me over. By force.

alone

2007-11-24T21:18:00.000-08:00

God I’m crying out to You but it seems like my voice is drowned out by this chaos surrounding me.

I feel so alone and broken. I want to feel Your protective arms around me telling me everything is going to be okay.

I want peace in my heart. But I can’t have that because my heart is divided into a million pieces.

I’m torn and scattered. I think I know what you require of me and then my earthly desires turn things around in a matter of seconds.

I feel abandoned. Where are You in all this? Why can’t I feel Your hand guiding the way? Is it because of me? It has to be because I know You would never deprive me of the life I know you want for me. It has to be my foolish wants and desires that steal my eyes and heart away from You.

God please just show me. Give me strength to not only know what’s right, but to do what’s right. I can’t do this on my own. I need Your help, and I feel like You won’t give me help.

You say you will never leave me or forsake me…then why am I feeling so utterly hopeless? So helpless? I’m stuck in a world full of disappointments, and I know you’re waiting to fulfill my wants and desires if only they would be Yours. Change my heart God. The happiest place I could ever be is where You intend me to be. Bring me there, even if by force.

Calm my heart.

peter pan?

2007-11-24T14:41:00.000-08:00

i believe.... in more than just peter pan.

.....i apologize if i have not made that clear with the way i live my life.

wind

2007-11-24T14:24:00.000-08:00

tonight i felt the wind.
for the first time in a long time, i intimately felt the wind.
i was alone, but i wasn't.
Jesus was there.
there's something beautiful in every thought he gives me.

...i like thinking when i know he's there.

free

2007-11-24T14:22:00.000-08:00

Will I ever not be torn?

Will these scars on my heart last forever? Are restoration and healing words that we throw around but never experience? I understand that death and pain can bring life and healing, but how much hurt has to come before I can feel enough to believe I am alive?

I want real to be more than a four letter word. I want to give myself away entirely so that I can finally be free from the chains I keep myself under. Life is a state of being, not a continuum of days passing nights. How many days will I live before I find the state of being? Will I ever arrive there? Will it arrive here? I want pure joy, free from the tinges of pain and moments of surprise tears. I want to run in the desert and sing for the mountains and know that you see all of it and are laughing with me. I want to hear you say, "Daughter, your faith has healed you." Do I not have this faith? Do I know that you and you alone bring everything I desire? I am only a little girl in a world filled with pretty things. I confess my forgetfulness and the distractions that so easily steal my eyes and sometimes my heart. Distract me; distract me with your beauty, your freedom, the blue skies that I pursued for so long. Fill me with your all consuming fire so that a cold flame will not ignite. Forgive my unspoken obsession with things I cannot see. Place your hand over my eyes and whisper in my ear of your love and your completion. I give you permission to take me over by force. I submit to your love. Protect me and strip the temptation from the beauty. Begin the evolution into the abundant life I have desired and sought for so long. Be my light during the nighttime and all that comes with it.